Punishment
by RubberSoulRevolver
Summary: No one knows how violent VA can get. They decide to show JsJ and they punish him. But he's also been punishing himself, for everything that he's done and for what he's missing. Deals with dark themes, will be St. Berry with angst and romance.
1. Chapter 1

Jesse drops to his knees on the stage in a fit of exhaustion. The sweat pours off his body, drips down his forehead, his back, and his arms. Jesse grinds his teeth tightly as sweat glides over his skin, stinging as it passes over Jesse's open wounds above his eyes and along his arms.

The stinging and the pain from exerting his body to the maximum forces Jesse to lie flat on the stage, the surface of the wood cooling his face. Jesse breathes in the smell of sweat and the empty auditorium, he closes his eyes and his mind conjures up images of the last two months.

* * *

"_What were you doing with No Directions?" Andrea asks._

"_Nothing, just spying on them. Shelby wanted to know what they were planning and sent me to get Intel." Jesse answers._

"_Please St. James, there is another reason you went there, so really what the fuck were you doing?"_

_Jesse rolls his eyes, before walking off and taking his place for their performance at regionals._

_

* * *

_

_Jesse knows that his team mates are watching him. He's sitting alone at the celebration for winning and he can sense that his team mates still don't trust him. Even after he gave up more than they will know for them, they still think that he has a loyalty to New Directions._

_He's about to get up and leave when Shelby stands in front of the group._

"_I have something important to share with all of you. Firstly you did extremely well at Regionals, although each of you should take a lesson from Jesse and infuse your performances with a little more emotion." _

_Several senior members of the group send death glares over to Jesse who pointedly ignores the looks. Shelby continues on speaking._

"_That though, isn't what I'm actually here to tell you. I'm officially resigning as coach of Vocal Adrenalin. I have realized in the past few months what I have been missing and that is family. I have adopted a baby girl and because of that I no longer feel the same desire and drive to lead a glee club. So thank you for years of well deserved nationals titles and allowing me to coach you and teach you all to be successful."_

_Shelby finishes her speech and leaves the room, Jesse quickly follows._

"_Are you seriously leaving me?" He asks._

"_I'm sorry Jesse, but I can't stay and do this anymore. It's like I told Rachel I need a family, I need to be a mom."_

"_What about me? Wasn't I family?" Jesse asks._

"_You are family Jesse, but you're practically an adult and you're going off to live your own life. You will always be like a son to me, but it isn't enough anymore."_

_Shelby continues talking and telling Jesse that she loves him and will keep in touch and that when Beth is all settled in Jesse will have to come and sing for her. All Jesse hears is that he isn't enough._

_That night all Jesse hears are the voices of those that he loves telling him that he's not enough, that he will never measure up, that it should have been him. He wakes in a cold sweat. Unable to fall asleep again he gets on the treadmill and punishes his body by running so long his whole body feels like it is being engulfed in flames._

_That restarts the pattern of nightmares, feeling worthless and punishments. Punishments starting with extreme workouts and hours of practicing performance routines, but gradually the punishments worsen. Soon Jesse finds himself at the threshold where he feels nothing, no pain, no guilt, no anger; the only feeling is worthlessness To counter this he increases the hours spent straining his body, anything to feel even a twinge of life. He even reverts to his habit of freshman year when he would take his Swiss Army knife and drag the blade along his bicep, leaving a crimson trail of blood and the pain of life. _

_

* * *

_

_Jesse finds himself avoiding the other members of Vocal Adrenalin. He sits silently in his classes and leaves immediately after practice. The members find no problem with this, but that's not to say that they have left him alone._

_They trip him up on stage, once going so far that he skidded down the risers and was left with bruised elbows and knees. They taunt him with being a loser; they blame him for making Shelby leave. None of this phases Jesse, he has become the soulless automaton that everyone thinks he is. _

_The only time anyone catches a glimpse of the former leader is when he sings. Everything inside him is channelled into the lyrics, he comes alive on stage. He becomes so alive that he feels a shell when it's over that he has to punish and cut himself to ensure that he hasn't left it all on the stage. _

_

* * *

_

_Jesse calls Shelby to see how she is getting on with Beth. She sounds slightly crazed, but happy. It's a tone Jesse recalls hearing only once or twice before. It makes him happy for his mentor and terribly sad for himself._

_He won't burden Shelby with his problems again. She has too much to worry about now, that she doesn't need to know about his life._

_He tells Shelby that he'll call again soon and will stop by in a few weeks when everything has settled down. Shelby says that she would love that and that she can't wait for Beth to meet her Uncle Jesse._

_

* * *

_

_Jesse doesn't see the first punch, but he feels it as the fist connects with his cheek. Jesse recoils back before another blow is landed, just above his eye and Jesse feels the skin split. He feels a blow to his ribs and he drops to the ground._

"_You better not cost us nationals St. James." _

_The voice belongs to Alex, one of the male dancers. He hears Alex gather up the few other guys that were standing, watching the attack and hears them leave the auditorium. Jesse remains on the stage until the blood stops dripping from his eye._

_

* * *

_

The images are fragmented, consisting of the torment Jesse has put himself through and the torment Vocal Adrenalin has felt they should inflict on him. The last memory is the most recent, happening not even a week ago.

Jesse's somewhat lucky that his parents haven't come to Ohio to check on him yet. Even for being the most absentee and blind people in the world they would notice that their son was beaten. Which would only lead to questions and ultimately a fight that Jesse would have no energy or drive to counter or get into.

He pulls up his weakened body, ignoring the protest of his aching muscles. In fact he smiles at the pain, the only thing that seems real in that moment.

Jesse's making his way across the mostly deserted Carmel parking lot when he hears Andrea's laugh coming from his left. He sees her leaning up against his Ranger Rover, along with Alex and the seven other seniors on Vocal Adrenalin.

"I can't believe they thought that number was any good. I mean swaying around to the music does not make you a show choir." Andrea's voice rings out through the evening air.

"I know. What shocks me is that Rachel Berry, she claims she wants to be a star, yet clearly isn't doing anything to get it." Alex says.

At Rachel's name Jesse feels hollow where his stomach should be, the mere mention of her name causes the guilt in him to swallow him. He knows that the other members are doing this to provoke him; he isn't going to fall for it.

"Don't you agree?" Natasha asks when she spots Jesse standing a few feet away.

Jesse shrugs in response.

"Come on St. James we need an answer." Derek says, pushing away from the car and stepping towards Jesse.

Derek is flanked by the other seniors who form a semi circle around Jesse. Jesse feels the anger radiating off his former 'family.' He knows they blame him for Shelby, he's just thankful that they don't know how big of blame should be put on him.

Jesse mumbles a response and immediately Derek grabs the front of his shirt.

"What was that St. James?" Derek hisses.

"I said she'll be a star before you even get the nerve to move out of Ohio."

Derek scoffs and lands a blow into Jesse's gut. The force causes Jesse to double over, but not fall. Jesse knows that if he falls, he's done. They won't let up. This time he is the seal pup and they are the great white.

"What the hell did you see in that little slut anyways?" Alex asks Jesse growls at the insult. "Well she is I mean she gave it up to you, two weeks ago I saw her with that shaved head football player and last week I saw her with that gangly freak of a male lead. Clearly she gets around. But what do you expect with someone whose mother consistently had a string of male show choir coaches in and out of her bed."

Insulting Rachel made Jesse see red, but bringing in Shelby and insulting her as well made Jesse lose it. He took a swing at Alex landing a punch on the Asian's jaw. Alex staggers back before regaining his balance and hitting Jesse above his eye, reopening the cut.

Pain explodes across Jesse's forehead and he stumbles into Derek. Jesse takes a swing at Derek and misses. Derek grabs him, but with all the working out Jesse is strong, almost pure muscle. He takes another swing with his left and the fist connects with Derek's ribs. Another with his right and this time hit's Derek's face.

Jesse knows he's no match for the rest, but he won't give up with out a fight. No matter how broken he is inside, he won't give them the satisfaction of seeing that he is broken.

That is until he feels Izzie's boot connect with his knee and he drops. From this position the others join in kicking him. He feels three repeated blows to his ribs and Jesse lets out a cry of pain. He feels a handful of eggs smash down on his head and he sees that as repentance for what he did to Rachel. More kicks and punches are thrown down as well.

Jesse doesn't know who lands which kick, but he knows who heel lodges itself in his arm. He hears Andrea laugh as she twists the four inch spike before slowly pulling it out. One of the guys pulls him up to his feet and Jesse can barely stand. His head lolls from the beating and he hopes that this is over, but knows that there is still a little more to come.

"We know what you did St. James." Alex says before landing a punch on the side of Jesse's face.

"We know why Shelby sent you to McKinley; we know why you were with that slut Rachel." Andrea says walking around Jesse as Alex delivers two more hits to Jesse's face.

Jesse tastes the metallic bite of blood, from the inside of his cheek and running down from his nose. He feels it run down the front of his shirt, mixing with the yoke staining his skin.

"You ruined everything for us Jesse. Your little job almost cost us regionals and it cost us the best show choir coach in the country. It better not cost us Nationals." Andrea says, to Jesse's ears her voice sounds miles away. "So for almost ruining everything you have to pay."

With that menacing threat Alex lays a few more punches, before stepping aside and letting each member take a swing.

By the time they are done sweat, yoke and blood drip off of Jesse. He's on his knees in front of them and though he knows he should be afraid, he hopes that the land one more blow that will leave him unconscious and give him a night of dreamless sleep.

Jesse hears the voices of his – he doesn't want to claim them anymore so he won't – he hears the voices of the VA seniors. The sounds are muffled; like they have moved several feet away, but when he cracks an eye open they are all still standing around him staring at his pathetic form. He hears Andrea and Alex discuss where to leave him; he misses most of the conversation, but catches Andrea's evil cackle at the end.

Jesse is lifted from the ground and thrown in the trunk of one the Ranger Rovers. He muffles the groan of landing on his side, still keeping from them the satisfaction of his pain. He feels the car move, but being in the dark and half unconscious gives him no sense of direction. He only finds solace in the fact that they didn't leave him in the lot and that he is finally feeling something.

The car lurches to a stop and Jesse is pulled from the trunk. He doesn't immediately recognize where he is, but is quickly informed.

"We thought this was the best place to leave you St. James." Andrea says as Alex half carries, half drags Jesse to the lighted porch. "We know that you love her, so why not cause you the greatest pain by having her reject you, especially in this pathetic form."

Jesse struggles against Alex; he doesn't want to be left here. He couldn't take it if he has to face Rachel and she rejects him. Alex gives him another hit, before dropping him by the door.

"Have fun tonight St. James" He says, before ringing the doorbell.

Andrea and Alex take off for the Range Rover and jump in before quickly pulling off the drive way abandoning Jesse on the doorstep of the only girl he has ever loved and the only person whose heart he has ever broken.

Jesse feels the bile rise in his throat. He knows he needs to get off that porch, get off the property before Rachel can come to the door, but he knows that in his state that is a near impossibility. He forces himself up on shaky legs. He lets out a moan of pain and falls against the siding. Another groan of pain escapes his lips as his body comes in contact with the wall.

Jesse turns from the wall and takes a step away; he's gathering his bearings, but not quickly enough. The ground spins and he puts his hand out to steady himself. Jesse has never envisioned this kind of punishment for himself, no matter how much he thinks he deserves to be punished.

Jesse closes his eyes, pulls in a deep breath. A sharp pain along his ribs alerts to him that they must be bruised. He forces his lids open and he is face to face with Rachel. Her brown eyes are wide with fear and Jesse freezes.

"No," He grunts out. It's barely above a whisper but the sound of his voice spurs him and he stumbles off her porch.

* * *

**This is one of 4 new St. Berry fics that i am going to be working on in my spare time. It deals with themes of suicide, death, violence and maybe even sex (later on).  
This fic is not trying to down play suicide or anything like that. I know that it's a serious subject and i'm not trying to make it all fluff. it also might seem a lot of this it may seem rushed, but i will try to show that a lot of time passes between certain events later on in the story.  
I hope i don't offend anyone and that you stick with this.**

**Please leave a comment if you have anything to say about it.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel is frozen to the spot. The sight before her chills her to her very core, so much so she lets out a shiver. She never expected to see Jesse St. James again, let alone bleeding and frightened on her front porch.

She watches him falter when he sees her and nearly take a fall in his haste to get way from the open door. She wants to move to hold him up, but she can't cross the threshold.

Rachel feels Finn come up behind her.

"Who was that Rachel?" He asks.

When she doesn't respond Finn follows her gaze out to her front lawn and sees the back of Jesse making his way to the street.

"What the hell is he doing here? I'm going to kick his ass." Finn growls.

Finn pushes past Rachel and finally she moves. She grabs Finn's arm to stop him and he gives her a confused look. Silently questioning her actions of stopping him from beating the guy that broke her heart.

They both turn their heads to Jesse when they hear a groan of pain. They watch as the singer spits out a wad of blood, before stumbling again and falling to the grass.

"Jesse," Rachel whispers, and runs towards the collapsed boy. Finn follows directly behind her.

Rachel drops to her knees next to Jesse and rolls him on his back. She lets out a gasp at the sight of the boy she used to – still does – love. His face is bloody and bruised, egg yoke and shells coat his hair and a spot of blood is pooled through his shirt sleeve and the scariest thing is that his face bears the faintest hint of a smile.

Finn gags at the sight of the boy he considers his enemy. Never has he seen such a vicious beating – well not in real life, he doesn't count the gore he has seen in movies. Never would he have inflicted this on Jesse either. He can't help but feel sorry for the mess of a boy lying on Rachel's front lawn.

"We need to bring him inside Finn." Rachel says, tears thick in her voice.

Finn is pulled from his position, "Right. Can you help lift?"

Rachel nods and together they pull Jesse from the lawn. Finn drapes Jesse's arm across his shoulder and wraps his own arm around Jesse's waist. Rachel mimics the position, though it doesn't really help.

"Leave me." Jesse whispers.

Rachel and Finn stop walking. A tear escapes down Rachel's face and Finn's face screws up in confusion. Both wondering what would possess anyone in this state to refuse help. With the lack of movement Jesse tries to pull away from the grasp of the two worried looking teens, but Finn's hold is too strong and Jesse's body too weak and he stops.

With this Finn and Rachel resume their task of bringing Jesse into the house. Once across the threshold Finn brings Jesse to the couch and tries to gingerly lay him down. As Jesse's left side hits the cushion he let's out a shout of pain. The sound roots Finn and Rachel, never have either heard such a horrible sound coming from Jesse, Rachel didn't think it was possible for Jesse to even make such a noise.

The sound of pain coming from him cuts at Rachel and silent tears fall from her eyes. Finn – who in all other situations may be clueless – spurs into some kind of action, because he knows that Rachel isn't functioning. He places himself in front of Rachel, blocking her view of the broken boy on her couch and places a hand on her shoulder.

"Rachel, Rachel," Finn says giving her a small shake and her eyes flick up towards his. "I need you to go into your kitchen and get me an ice pack and a dish towel. Also go find a first aid kit."

Finn knows that getting Rachel to leave the room will force her to clear her mind and to focus on taking care of Jesse. Jesse who Finn knows still has Rachel's heart and though he wants to he can't blame Jesse for keeping it, because he remembers how happy Rachel looked in those few months with the guy. And even if he wanted to deny it, Finn knows that Jesse enjoyed being with Rachel as well.

* * *

Jesse's groan of pain when he was placed on the couch had a little to do with the beating and a lot to do with the pain in his heart of being around Rachel and Finn. Jesse doesn't want to be around to watch the quarterback comfort the one girl he loves.

He opens his eyes and watches as Finn places his hand on Rachel. Jesse can't make out what they are saying but the look in Rachel's eyes and the comfort Finn is giving her is enough to force bile up his oesophagus. When Rachel leaves Jesse hoists himself off the couch. He has to get out of the house, he has to get away from Rachel, and he has to get away from Finn _and_ Rachel.

Being in close proximity to both of them, watching them together is more than he can handle, the feelings of jealousy are killing him. Part of him is screaming to make his exit now while Rachel isn't in the room, while the other part is telling him to stay because the feeling of pain, anger and jealousy is something he deserves and showing that he can feel something. The part of self preservation wins out and Jesse makes a move for the front door.

Jesse almost makes it to the door, when Rachel stops him.

"Jesse?"

He closes his eyes at the sound of her voice. He flinches at the sound of her voice broken and thick with tears. Again pain washes over him and he's falling.

Rachel drops the ice and the kit and rushes to Jesse. She catches him before he drops to his knees, she gently brings him down into a kneeling position, and his heads rests on her shoulder. She knows that her shirt is going to be stained with yoke and blood, but she doesn't care about her wardrobe.

Jesse pulls away, "Let me go, please let me go. I can't stay here, it's killing me."

He stares into Rachel's eyes as he says this. His blue ones, she notices, are blank. The spark of mischief that once resided there is gone; that joy living the next day is missing, and all Rachel sees is emptiness. An emptiness that is deeper, beyond the _Jesse St. James_ star of Vocal Adrenalin façade. The sight scares her and she has to look away.

Jesse is still begging to leave when Finn crouches down next to them. He can hear Jesse's pleas of wanting to go and how being there is killing him. Finn looks to Rachel and he can see that she is scared of what will happen if Jesse leaves hell even he's scared to let Jesse go off on his own. In this state Finn can see that Jesse is different that he won't make it very far.

"I need to clean him up." Rachel states and Finn nods

"Do you want me to stay and help?" Finn asks.

Rachel wants to say yes, but she knows that Jesse wouldn't want Finn around. "No I'll take care of it, but I'll call you when I'm finished."

Jesse from his spot watches as Rachel says goodbye to Finn. His stomach churns as the pair hugs and Rachel waits by the door to see Finn drive off. The numbness of his heart is taken over by the burn of pain and Jesse lets out a manic laugh.

At the sounds of hysterical laughter Rachel returns to Jesse. How someone could be laughing in this state is beyond her comprehension and Rachel needs to know what's going on.

"Jesse are you ok?"

"It hurts, but it feels so good." Jesse responds and small smile touches his lips.

Rachel can't believe what she has just heard. Forcing back her tears, she finds the strength to take Jesse to the en suite of the guest bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**I struggled to write this chapter, that is why it took a little longer to update. I kind lost my muse for a bit, but I hope that I can find it again for the rest of this. I actually kind of think this chapter SUCKS!  
The next couple chapters will go into Jesse's past a bit and slowly start on his path back to being the JsJ that is confident. We will also see another appearance by Finn, as well as Shelby.  


* * *

**

The bright lights of the washroom force Jesse's eyes closed. He feels his body being placed on top of the toilet, he let's out a whimper of pain as the action forces his ribs to move. He hears the water running and slowly drifts off. He sees images of Rachel running to him with a scared look on her face, he has a glimpse of Finn carrying him across a lawn, and he feels the punches of his former team members against his skin.

The touch of a damp cloth to his face brings Jesse into reality. His eyes snap open and once again he is met with Rachel's deep brown eyes, eyes that threaten to spill tears. Jesse thinks that this must be a dream. If it is Jesse will gladly live in this dream until he succumbs to his injuries.

Rachel searches Jesse's face for any hint of the boy she loves. She finds nothing, all she sees is a broken boy, and she doesn't even know if he's really seeing her. Her mind is still flashing to Jesse's last comment about how hurting feels good. Rachel knows that that was not a normal response to the situation, she knows that there is more than just a beating here.

Jesse silently watches as Rachel drags the damp cloth across his face. The cool water pulling away the blood and yoke feels wonderful on Jesse's heated skin. As the cloth passes over the cut on his forehead he flinches, but doesn't drop his eyes from Rachel. He raises his hand and brings it to her waist.

The shock that this is real, that Rachel is real causes Jesse to crumble. And soon his own tears are working away some of what remains dried to his face. The feeling of comfort that Jesse gets from Rachel's gestures is something he hasn't felt in weeks and Jesse knows that he doesn't deserve it, not from Rachel not from anyone.

Jesse pushes Rachel away, he has to go, and he can't bring down an innocent into his hell. If he stays that's what he'll do to Rachel.

Rachel holds her ground as Jesse struggles to push her away. She can't let him go. She's scared that he might do more damage to himself – part of her worries that some of that damage will be intentional.

"I'm not letting you go." Rachel says firmly and holds Jesse in place.

"I'll hurt you Rachel if I stay."

"You won't." Rachel doesn't know if that's true, but for now she has to believe that he won't.

The defiant look in Rachel's eyes tells Jesse he can't win, not until Rachel helps him clean up. He knows that he can get away, back to the solace of his empty house, his empty life. For now he'll accept the pain of being close, yet far from the girl that he loves.

Rachel watches the defeat settle on Jesse's face. The look tears at Rachel's heart, she never thought she would see such a look on the face of the one boy who seemed to never let anything defeat him. She brushes off her own feelings and returns to taking care of Jesse, she wants to ask him what happened, what's been happening, but she knows that if she does he will close up on her.

Rachel looks down at the bloodied towel in her hand and back at the egg shells in Jesse's hair and the blood caked down his neck and arms. She knows that that the only way to get him clean is to get him into the shower.

"Lift your arms."

Jesse follows Rachel's command. He thinks of it as following orders at VA practice; he knows it will keep him hollow, hard and soulless in such a close proximity to Rachel. He lifts his hands above his shoulders and his side feels like he's being stabbed. He steels his face, taking the pain as his penance for what his presence must be doing to Rachel.

Rachel grabs the hem of Jesse's t-shirt and gingerly pulls it off. She throws it in the direction of the garbage, knowing that the blood will never come out and that it would be trashed anyways. Next she works the fly loose on his jeans and pulls them down his legs. Jesse is left standing in his black boxers. Rachel's eyes slowly drag over his body. She notes how muscular Jesse is, more so than he was before. Her mind also catalogues each injury, from the deep purple bruising along his ribs, the deep wound on his inner bicep, the bruises and cuts adorning his face.

The injuries that frighten Rachel the most though aren't from the beating, they are the four sets of parallel cuts that circle around the tops of both of Jesse's biceps. She knows that those could only be self inflicted and Rachel is afraid. Afraid that this beating is too much for Jesse, afraid that she can't help him, afraid that he is to far gone and that she will lose him forever.

Jesse watches Rachel take in his injuries; it's almost an out of body experience. He tilts his head in confusion as her eyes fill with tears and a look of fear crosses her face. Jesse understands the look; he knows that Rachel must fear him. Fear that he will hurt her once again. He catalogues the look and adds it to the collection of faces he holds in his mind, faces that fuel his self hate.

"Ok Jesse into the shower." Rachel gently pushes Jesse towards the edge of the tub, he weakly steps in.

Rachel makes quick work of rinsing off Jesse. She pretends not to notice how he flinches every time she touches his skin. It is a sharp contrast to the way Jesse used to relish contact, he used to love having some kind of contact with Rachel, whether it be her cuddled into his side as they walked or even the slightest touch of hands as they would pass each other.

Turning off the water Rachel gently dries Jesse, before placing gauze and bandages over all of Jesse's cuts. She then hands him a clean set of clothes and leaves the room as he changes. In the hallway Rachel takes in deep breaths to steady herself and stop herself from crying. She can't cry she has to be strong, strong enough to bring Jesse out of this darkness where he seems to have trapped himself.

Jesse emerges from the bathroom in the clean clothes. He sees Rachel standing against the opposite wall. He knows he shouldn't be in the house any longer; so he nods and heads towards the front door.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

"You can't, you won't be able to make it home."

"I'll be fine Rachel, it's not that far." Jesse says, not adding that the gruelling walk is something that he desires.

Rachel can't let him leave alone in the state that he's in. She knows that he'll never make it home, but more so she's scared of what he might do to himself if he is left alone.

"I'll take you." Rachel says firmly giving Jesse no room to argue or deny her command.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry it's been a while for an update, i kind of lost my muse for this story. i just sort of had no direction for this and how it was going... but i kicked my muse's ass and came up with this. I hope it's ok, i know that it's not as good as the previous chapters. thanks for all the reviews and alerts, i hope to update more quickly, but i am going to NYC next weekend and I work all week so i don't know if i can.

* * *

**

Rachel wakes as the light from the window hits her eyes. She's disoriented as she looks around the unfamiliar room. She's sleeping in Jesse St. James' living room. Accepting that fact means that last night was not a dream and that Jesse was beaten and left at her door and that there has been something going on with Jesse that has diminished him into the shell of who he was.

Rachel looks around the large room. Though the sunlight streams in brightening the area, there is still coldness to it. Rachel gets up from the couch and decides to look around the home to see how Jesse lives. She finds the impersonality and chill from the living room follows her as she wanders and her heart breaks as she realizes how alone Jesse has been in this house. She tries to find photos of the family, but there are none hanging; just artwork or prints that make the house seem more an art gallery than home. She passes an empty room and peeks in; she takes it to be the master bedroom as she can see a wedding photo on the night stand. She closes the door and heads upstairs.

Rachel goes into the first of the three rooms on the top floor. It's an office and library. She opens the second door and finds Jesse's room. She sees him curled on the bed, the sheet down around his waist, leaving his bare chest exposed and the beating from yesterday evident. Rachel knows that she is going to have to wake him soon to change the bandage on his arm, but she wants to let him sleep, hoping that the rest will have done him some good.

Rachel looks around the room. The emptiness that fills the rest of the house hasn't touched this room. There is life and warmth in the clutter and chaos, but still Rachel can sense that the room has become more a cave of what was, rather than what is. The blue walls are covered in posters for Broadway shows, there's an electric piano in one corner that's drowning in sheet music, and her hands skim over his collection of cds, books and trophies before she stops at a corkboard plastered with photos.

Rachel smiles at the images of a young Jesse with the beginnings of a show face, one of him in hockey gear and another of him on the stage. The photos show different ages and people. There are a few of him with VA, both in performance and celebration. Rachel's heart twinges in jealousy as she finds a grouping of photos of Jesse with Shelby, some in which Shelby stands next to Jesse as a proud mother would. As the thought crosses her mind Rachel notices that there aren't any photos of Jesse with his parents, or any family for that matter. The thought is soon blotted out as Rachel finds a whole corner of the corkboard covered in images of her. She knows that she posted a ton of pictures on Facebook of her and Jesse's time together, she never expected to find a great number of them printed out and put on a wall in Jesse's room. Especially if their whole relationship was a sham, Rachel hopes that this means parts of what they shared were true and that hopefully that will give her enough courage to stay with Jesse to help him.

Rachel spots a stack of warn out photos on the desk and she is about to take a look through them when she hears her phone ringing. Rachel leaves the room and quickly runs back to the living room to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Rachel," the voice on the other end of the line says.

"Hi Finn," Rachel says into the phone, then she remembers that she forgot to call him back, "Oh my gosh Finn! I'm so sorry that I didn't call you back last night. I meant to but –"

Finn cuts Rachel off, "I understand why you didn't. I could see there were other more important things to take care of."

"Yeah."

Neither wants to mention Jesse. Rachel looks in the direction of the stairs, wondering what she should tell Finn about Jesse, his injuries and what she thinks he's doing to himself.

"So how is Jesse?"

"Sleeping right now. But that beating was bad Finn. He's covered in bruises and cuts, but I think that it goes deeper than that. He was saying things last night, they scared me."

"Are you ok Rachel? Do you want me to come over?"

"I'll be ok Finn; just I am really worried about Jesse." Even over the phone Finn can hear the fear and stress laced in Rachel's voice.

"Ok. But do you want me to come over later?"

"I'm actually at Jesse's. I'll probably stay the whole weekend. I'll call you though if I do need anything."

"Ok. I'll call you later to check in,"

"Thanks Finn."

Rachel makes her way back up to Jesse's room. This time she walks straight over to the bed and gently brushes a few of his curls away from his bruised face. Rachel makes sure that she avoids the dark spots on his face as her hands skim over his skin. Just looking at him makes Rachel ache, not just from the evident beating, but from the anguish his face is contorted into.

"Jesse," Rachel whispers, "Jesse. I need you to get up so I can change you bandages."

Jesse's head moves at Rachel's voice and she calls him once again. Rachel hopes that when his eyes open there will be that spark in them, but she is disappointed when Jesse's eyes open and he looks at her without recognition.

* * *

Jesse thinks he's hallucinating when he sees Rachel standing over him. He thinks he must still be in his dreams as he knows that he doesn't deserve to have Rachel be in his room. He shuts his eyes tightly and rolls over, his body protests against the action shooting pain throughout his system. So much pain he lets out a cry and tears sting behind his eyelids.

He hears a gasp and again Rachel's voice.

"Jesse are you ok?"

Slowly Jesse rolls onto to his back and opens his eyes. Rachel is standing his room, her face showing concern for him and he wants to cry. He doesn't think he has seen anything so beautiful in his life; it's something he knows that he doesn't deserve, not after everything.

"What are you still doing here?" Jesse croaks.

"I told you last night I wasn't leaving."

Jesse remembers getting out of Rachel's car in front of his home and then the distinct sound of Rachel following him. When he turned and gave Rachel a questioning look, she said calmly that she wasn't leaving, for his response Jesse just went up to his room and closed the door, falling into a deep sleep.

"I have to change your bandages." Rachel says bringing her hand up to Jesse's arm.

He pulls away and almost drops off the bed. This time he doesn't make a sound as his body protests the action. He sees the horror in her face and Jesse realizes that he being this close to him is hurting her. He doesn't want her around, he can't have her around. He needs her to leave so that he can absolve himself of the pain he's giving her, he doesn't need her to witness that as it will make him seem all the more the monster that he is.

"I can change them myself. You can home Rachel." Jesse says with a flat voice.

"I think your going to need…" Rachel starts but Jesse cuts her off.

"Just go home Rachel."

"I'm not leaving." Rachel crosses her arms and Jesse looks away. "I'm going to make some food, give you a chance to clean up."

Jesse again doesn't respond. He listens as Rachel leaves his room and then he let's the tears fall. He's undeserving of such affection and somewhere in him he feels something like he used to. That feeling of being wanted and cared for, but it quickly is replaced by muscle pain as Jesse swings his legs off the bed.

Jesse turns on his iPod as he makes his way to his treadmill. He knows that today's run is going to be more painful than any of the others, but he needs it, he's craving the burn that won't make him feel so guilty. His legs start off stiffly, but soon he's found a rhythm. Each step hurts and breathing with bruised ribs sends a fire across his abdomen, the sweat that drips into his cuts and gashes stings. Jesse closes his eyes and let's everything go but keeps focused on the pain that he's using to hurt and heal himself.

Jesse registers the sound of his door being slammed open, he doesn't stop his run. He opens his eyes; Rachel's standing frozen in his doorway.

"Jesse? What the hell?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it's been a while since the last update. I went on a little trip to NYC - i took a photo of the Eugene O'Neill Theatre stage door and the Chelsea Grill in Hell's Kitchen (where Jon used to work). And also i have been going a little crazy with work and prepping for back to school in September.  
Thanks for all the alerts and reviews, just to let you know i won't abandon this story - i have it all planned out and i just need time to write it.

* * *

**"_Jesse? What the hell?"_

Rachel almost drops the tray of food she's holding for Jesse. She can't believe what Jesse is doing to himself. She can see the strain that his body is going through to keep running, regardless of his injuries and yet when he opens his eyes to look at her it's as if there is nothing there.

She slams the plate of food down on his desk, the juice sloshing over the edge of the glass. Jesse slows his run down to a walk as Rachel stares him down. He can see the fury in her eyes and Jesse knows that he is going to deserve all the vitriol that she has.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Rachel asks. "You shouldn't be doing that, you don't know how you're hurt. You could do something far worse to yourself than just some cuts and bruises."

"Nothing is wrong with me; I just needed to get in my daily exercise." Jesse responds, sarcasm lacing his voice.

"No you need to be laying in that bed healing. You need to take care of yourself!" Rachel practically yells the last part.

"I am taking care of myself. I have been taking care of myself, for the past 3 years. I don't need you to tell me what I should be doing!" Jesse snaps back, stepping off the treadmill.

He winces as he does and Rachel moves forward to help him.

"Don't touch me; I don't need your help." Jesse says backing away from Rachel.

Rachel's eyes fill with tears as she can see that Jesse does need help, but doesn't want to get it from her.

"What are you even doing here Rachel?"

"I was – I am trying to help you. You were beaten, left on my door step and clearly you haven't been taking care of yourself, so I thought that you would like me to help you."

Jesse feels warmth at Rachel's admission that she wants to help him, but he buries it under a wall of self derision.

"Well I don't need your pity Rachel."

"Fuck you." Rachel whispers and for a girl who never swears the words catch the pair of them by surprise. "If you aren't willing to accept help then you aren't worth helping."

'_Aren't worth helping'_ The words cut at Jesse like a knife. So similar to all the others he's heard over the past couple years and he basks in the pain that they bring coming from the only person that he has ever admitted to being in love with.

"I know that I'm not worth it Rachel. I could have told you that and saved you the trouble of telling it to my face." Jesse's voice cracks and his eyes sting with unshed tears. "So why don't you just get the fuck out."

Jesse turns from Rachel and marches into his bathroom slamming the door behind him.

* * *

At the slamming of the door Rachel races from Jesse's room. She speeds her way down the stairs and out the front door. She drops on her knees on his front lawn, her breathing coming out in sharp bursts as she tries to control her sobbing. The tears fall down her cheeks and Rachel rocks forward pressing her forehead to the ground.

The words that had just come out of Jesse's mouth bit at Rachel's heart. She finally understands why Jesse might have been hurting himself, Jesse thinks that he isn't worth the help, isn't worth the kindness in this world.

Rachel doesn't know what happened in Jesse's life that has brought him to this place. All she remembers is the strong, assertive and egotistical boy who swept her off her feet. It's an image that she can't reconcile with the broken boy who seems to hate the world and himself.

Rachel pulls herself up from her knees and looks at her car sitting in the driveway. She wants to take off to leave Jesse on his own like he seems to want, but she can't. She takes a deep breath and heads back into the house. She only knows of one person who could hold any information on Jesse. Rachel finds Jesse's cell phone in the kitchen and scrolls through the contacts until she finds the number that she wants.

* * *

After locking the door behind him Jesse leans against the door and takes a deep breath. He hears Rachel race down the stairs and then out the front door. Though he hates himself for what he said, Jesse knows it's for the best to have gotten her away from him.

He moves to turn on the water, and then strips down before placing himself under the scalding stream. The hot water sooths his aching muscles but burns his cuts and Jesse bites his lip to stop from crying out.

Soon the pain fades into a dull ache and Jesse's mind wanders back through the years. The years of happiness that gave way into a sadness and guilt that no teen should ever have to deal with.

Behind his closed eyes Jesse sees the image of two curly haired boys playing soccer in the yard.

"_Jesse you have to swing your leg in a strong arc." The taller of the two boys says coming over to stand next to a seven year old Jesse._

"_I did that Jack." Jesse says to the eleven year old._

"_I know, but you have to try a little harder."_

"_Ok, but after can we go watch The Lion King?" _

_Jack nods his head and immediately the two boys resume playing in the yard, with Jesse picking up how to nail a penalty shot._

Jesse opens his eyes and lets out a chuckle at the other memories of learning to play sports while all he wanted to do was watch Disney or sing. He closes his eyes and this time the memory is different.

_The two boys are now twelve and sixteen. Jack is standing next to a set of four wheelers waiting for Jesse to come out of the cottage. Finally the boy emerges, followed closely by his mother._

"_Jack make sure that you don't do anything foolish."_

"_Yes mother," he replies condescendingly. "Come on Jess, it's time to see if you can finally beat me on this thing."_

"_You're so on and I have been practicing so I doubt that you will be able to beat me Jack." Jesse says hopping onto the back of the four-wheeler._

"_Wanna bet?" Jack asks and Jesse nods. "If I win you have to come with me to see a couple hockey games."_

"_If I win you're coming with me to go see Wicked." Jesse counters and Jack groans._

"_Seriously dude you must be gay."_

"_Fuck off, I like girls and I like musical theatre. Deal?"_

"_Deal."_

_The two boys take off racing for the other side of the ravine._

Jesse remembers Jack's face when he had lost. It was the beginning of trips to New York to catch Broadway shows and hockey games. The two of them would spend weekends at their parent's condo hanging out and just talking. Though there was a four year age difference the two brothers were each other's best friend. The memories flick through Jesse and Jack playing hockey, Jack's high school graduation, Jack cheering on Jesse as he performed with Vocal Adrenalin as a freshman, family dinners, Christmases and love between brothers.

Jesse closes his eyes one last time as his hand brushes over a faded scar on his forearm.

"_Ok Jess I think it's time to take you home," Jack says after they finish their dinner._

_Jesse has been visiting Jack at OSU. Going into their sophomore years in their respective schools has not only given them more confidence but it has also made their friendship stronger as they talk every day._

"_Fine. Plus I have to get a good night's sleep; Shelby's going to start intense practice for sectionals soon."_

"_Are you serious? It's only the beginning of August."_

"_Hey she demands perfection and this year I plan to deliver and snag a least a solo."_

"_Well I've seen you perform and you deserve it."_

"_I do, don't I?" Jesse responds smugly._

"_Don't let it go to your head."_

_Jesse rolls his eyes and Jack covers the tab for dinner. The two boys go out to the car and Jack starts driving back to his parent's. Stopped at a red light the last thing Jesse remembers is the crunching of glass and a searing pain in his arm._

The water is running cold on his skin, so Jesse shuts it off. He steps out of the tub and grabs a pair of clean boxers and pyjama pants. After throwing them on Jesse walks into his brother's room, not fully closing the door behind him. He sits on the bed thinking about what came after the accident.

_Jesse is sitting on Jack's bed. It's been three weeks since the accident, his arm is still in a cast and his brother is still gone. His brother will always be gone now. The drunk driver made sure of that. He's sitting on the bed humming a tune when his mother finds him._

"_What the hell are you doing in here?" She asks, tears choking her voice._

_Jesse opens and closes his mouth he has no response._

"_I told you not to come in here."_

"_I'm just trying to remember Jack." He whispers._

"_We all are, but we shouldn't have to be. This is your fault. If you hadn't decided that you wanted to go to OSU to visit him."_

"_Mom," Jesse feels a tear slip down his cheek as his mother blames him for his brother's death._

"_It should have been you. NOW GET THE HELL OUT!" His mother yells._

_Jesse runs. He runs until he can't breath, can't think, and can't feel anything but the pain in his muscles._

Jesse's face crumples at the memory, tears making their way down his face as he thinks on the first moment that he wasn't good enough, wasn't the right son. From that moment on his parents grew distant and cold, serving only to remind him that he wasn't good enough for them. His mind reels with fights, whispered comments of Jesse not being good enough, blaming him for the death of Jack.

Jesse collapses on the bed thinking on the last words Rachel said:

"You aren't worth helping."

* * *

Rachel's finger hovers over the contact name; she inhales a deep breath before pressing the send button. The phone rings twice before a tired voice picks up the phone.

"Jess I can't really talk right now. Beth's cranky and I'm exhausted, can I call you back…"

"Shelby?" Rachel cuts off the woman's speech.

"Yes, who is this? Where's Jesse?" Shelby asks a little worriedly.

"It's Rachel, umm" Rachel's voice cracks.

"Rachel? What's wrong?" Shelby asks tentatively.

She knows that she is partly to blame for how Jesse acted towards her daughter, what she's worried about is why Rachel is using Jesse's phone.

"Jesse. He – he I don't know what's wrong. He won't tell me, but something happened to him and now he's all messed up and he's hurting himself." Rachel lets out a gasp; she didn't mean to let that last part slip out.

"What do you mean he's hurting himself Rachel?" Shelby asks her voice calm but concerned. Almost as if she has experienced something like this before.

"Umm"

"Rachel." Shelby says firmly.

"He was beat up. He was beaten badly and then left on my front porch. He looked as if someone had tried to kill him. I cleaned him up but he wouldn't talk, he wouldn't say who did it. And his eyes they looked so empty, almost as if he really were a soulless automaton." Rachel takes a breath before continuing. "I brought him home last night and this morning I found him running on the treadmill. I know it seems weird to be concerned about that but it's not good for him to be doing that, I don't know the extent of all his injuries and that running could have made it worse. And he didn't seem to care. And that's not the only thing. He has cuts, lines of them along his biceps. Some are more healed then others. I think he did that to himself. I just…"

Rachel can't finish the sentence. She's in way over her head and though she feels lighter for telling Shelby, she can't help but still feel the need to protect and save Jesse.

"Rachel there's something that you need to know about Jesse." Shelby starts then pauses collecting her thoughts. "For all his arrogance, ego and confidence he is broken underneath. He's lonely and he has been for a few years now."

"I don't understand." Rachel says trying to bring the two images of Jesse together in her mind.

"I've seen Jesse like that only once before, it wasn't this bad though. It was the summer before his sophomore year; right after his brother was killed by a drunk driver."

The news hits Rachel. In the months that she dated Jesse she had never heard about a brother. In fact she never heard anything about Jesse's family only that his parents were out of the country. Rachel wants to question Shelby about the brother and the family but Shelby cuts her off and tells her what happened last time.

Shelby explains how _Jesse grew distant in the month of August as he sat out rehearsals with a broken arm._

_However the shutting off from the outside world wasn't the only problem. Shelby would often find Jesse in the auditorium before school and after VA practice in the evenings going over routines until he would collapse on the stage with exhaustion. Soon she noticed that Jesse's voice was losing that magic that made him a star, that drive to carry on and she became worried for her future star. It wasn't until she found him sitting on the stage with a blade in his hand that she finally confronted Jesse. He came clean admitting that his parents blamed him, even claimed to hate him because of Jack's death._

_After that moment and through the rest of the year Shelby helped Jesse heal. Helped him find his way and he soon found his way back to the confident boy he was before. But always behind his eyes was a darkness that seemed to be waiting to swallow him again._

"…I guess became a parent to him since his gave up. And so I made sure that he was always ok and it seemed that he was, I just never thought it would happen again."

At hearing those words Rachel realizes why Jesse would feel compelled to help in Shelby's plan, he felt that he owed her for saving him. She also hears Shelby crying, she knows that the woman feels that she's let down another of her children.

"Shelby?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you, for telling me." Rachel says. "I have to go check on him."

"Rachel, take care of him. I'll come by tomorrow to talk with him."

"OK. Bye Shelby."

"Bye Rachel."

Rachel stares at the phone in her hand, looking at it as if it will give her a map to figure out how to process all the information that she just got. Jesse has – had – a brother, a brother who he was close to, a brother who was taken to early and left Jesse to cold parents.

Rachel glances at the stairs. She understands now why Jesse's home feels so unlived and unloved in. His parents aren't around and he's had to cope with life on his own. This time she surmises that it is worse because everything is changing for him and he doesn't have a solid base to call home, not with VA, not with his absent parents and no longer with Shelby who is taking care of a new born.

With a new resolve Rachel makes her way back upstairs. She won't leave Jesse on his own, she will help him. She looks into his room, but finds it empty. She ventures back into the hallway and down towards the other room. The door is slightly ajar and she can hear hushed whispers.

"…I don't know if I can do this any more Jack. Everything used to make sense and it was good and then I met Rachel and everything got a little confusing but life was perfect. She was perfect and I knew that I was going to hurt her, but I didn't want to. I realized too late that I loved her and that I shouldn't have agreed to the transfer. If I hadn't done that VA would never have thought I was going soft and I wouldn't have had to hurt the only other person in this world that made me feel happy."

She hears Jesse pull in a ragged breath before continuing.

"Oh god Jack it just hurts so much and I can't – I don't know if I can keep on like this. It wouldn't be hard Jack to go, it's not like anyone would miss me and it's not like there's anything to keep me here either."

With those words Rachel's tears spill out of her eyes. She slides her back down the wall and cries for her own heart ache and for the broken boy who feels so alone in this world that he would end his life.


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel doesn't know how long she sits against the wall outside of Jack St. James' door. She knows that she sits there until her own tears dry, leaving tracks on her face. She no longer hears Jesse talking to his brother, but she can still hear his slightly stuffed up breathing and she takes that as a good sign.

Rachel still can't fully process the fact that Jesse has become so lonely that he is willing to end his life. There is only one thing that Rachel is certain of and that is that she has to save him. Save him for himself, for Shelby and if she's being completely honest she needs to save him for herself. Because she knows that she can't lose the first boy she fell in love with – that she's still somewhat in love with – she's not ready to let him go.

Rachel hears a shift of the bed springs and immediately pulls herself off of the floor. She doesn't want to be caught; when she doesn't hear any other movement she quietly makes her way back down to the kitchen. She's in need of a tall glass of water and she wants to get away from the room so she can clear her head before she makes any attempt to talk with Jesse.

After placing her empty glass and plate in the sink Rachel grabs the counter to steady herself. She places her head down on the cool tile when she hears movement coming form upstairs. Rachel fights the urge to catch Jesse on his way between the two rooms, but she knows that ambushing him would have a negative effect. She waits a few moments before heading back up stairs. She brings the sandwich she made him for dinner as well.

Stepping out into the hallway Jesse can't hear any sound in the house. He feels lightness and a crushing sadness knowing that Rachel had left him. He enters his own room and drops himself back onto his bed Jesse. He won't cut himself in Jack's room – he doesn't want to make a mess and he knows that if Jack were alive he would kick his ass for what he's doing to himself, so being in his brother's room doing that would be like mocking his memory.

Jesse clutches his pillow to his chest. Once again he's alone and emptiness weighs on his chest. He takes a few calming breaths before rolling over onto his left side and reaching into his night table and pulling out the red Swiss Army knife that his father gave him on for their first camping trip. It was one of the best gifts Jesse had ever gotten and until recently had been stuffed in the back of his closet, a reminder that his parents were no longer around.

The red coat of the knife shines in the fading light that breaks through the blinds. The image burning into Jesse's eyes and Rachel's, as she stands at the door. Jesse pulls out the sharpened blade and slowly turns the knife watching as it catches the light. It shines across his face and from her spot at the door Rachel thinks it's ironic that Jesse is creating a spotlight on himself in his lowest moment.

The next moments pass as if in slow motion. Jesse brings the blade to the pale skin of his arm. Rachel raises her hands to her lips, her eyes widening in horror. She's rooted to the ground and does the only thing she can think of to stop him.

"Jesse, don't." Rachel's voice comes out barely more than a whisper.

Jesse turns his head to the door and sees the frightened expression on Rachel's face. Through her eyes he can see her concern, her fear and hidden behind all that a love. Something that Jesse has been missing for a few years. Jesse just stares at Rachel for a moment before his face crumbles and he lets a sob rip from his chest.

He pulls the knife away from his arm, but he doesn't let it drop. Rachel at hearing the sob puts the plate down and swiftly moves towards the bed. Without thinking Rachel crawls into the bed behind Jesse, spooning in behind him. Her arms wrap around him in a tight embrace. Using her right hand she wraps it around Jesse's hand holding the blade.

Jesse squeezes his eyes shut as he feels Rachel's soft hand wrap around his own. His grip on the knife tightens as Rachel slowly tries to pull his fingers back. Slowly she is able to loosen his hold on the knife, take it from his hand and place it back on the night table. Rachel then brings her hand back and places it on his chest. She can feel his heart pounding as his body shakes with sobs. Rachel pulls him tighter against her chest as his hands grip onto her forearm. Jesse lowers his head and Rachel can feel teardrops on her hands, she places her own on his back. She feels a cool wetness brush her cheek and she realizes that it was formed from her own tears.

Slowly Jesse's tears subside and he no longer shakes with sobs. Rachel keeps her hand pressed against his chest, feeling the steady beating heart below it. Jesse doesn't loosen his grip on Rachel's arm, he holds onto it like a lifeline. For Jesse it is, it's the only human connection he has had since Shelby left and even though he knows that being this close to Rachel without really having her will hurt later, he can't let go.

At one point in the night Jesse drifts off, Rachel does as well. She immediately wakes though when she feels Jesse shaking with a nightmare. Rachel presses kisses against his shoulder and pulls him closer. This calms Jesse and soon he is asleep again, this time however Rachel stays awake, just feeling him breathe. Rachel wishes that she could take away some of his pain just through the simple act of holding him, but she knows that she can't and that he is going to need to find someone to talk with, someone who isn't tied to him.

A couple hours later Rachel feels Jesse stir and then hears his voice break the silence.

"It's not my fault. It's not my fault." Jesse whispers, "Jack? Jack!"

Yelling his brother's name wakes him from his dream. He's breathing heavily and yet it's nothing new to Jesse. It's been the same dream for a while. Everyone blaming him for what's been going wrong and then Jack appears and no matter how hard Jesse tries he can't save his brother from being taken by the speeding car. Jesse closes his eyes but all he sees is the face of his brother, he opens them when he hears his name be whispered.

"Jesse? Jesse."

The sound is soft and beautiful to Jesse's ears, filled with caring and love, a sharp contrast to the voices in his nightmare. The gentle musicality of it brings tears to Jesse's eyes. It's then that he feels Rachel's strong grip on him. Slowly he turns over to face his beautiful girl.

Jesse's sad blue eyes pierce Rachel's caring brown ones and the tears that linger on the edge of both teens spill over. Jesse wraps his arms around the petite girl, hugging her to him and buries his head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. The steady sound reminds Jesse of what it's like to be close to someone else. Rachel wraps her arms around Jesse and places her lips to his head. She breathes in and the scent of Jesse fills her senses, bringing back memories of the two of them wrapped up together in Rachel's bed, loving one another. The two teens lay hugging, listening to each other's breathing and in the calm warmth of each other they both drift off.

(LB)

Jesse doesn't know what time it is, all he knows is that his body is sore, but his heart and his mind don't feel so leaded down. He shifts his head and he hears a moan. He opens his eyes thinking it strange that his pillow is making sounds. In the soft light of the dawn Jesse can make out the small curve of a breast and the tan skin of a collarbone. The fact that Rachel stayed fills Jesse with hope and the faint flicker of a smile grace his lips.

Jesse watches Rachel and wonders at the girl who gives herself so selflessly even to someone who hurt her so badly. He brushes back the hair from her cheek, his fingers lightly tracing over the dried tear tracks. Rachel stirs at the soft gesture and her eyes flutter open. She finds herself staring into Jesse's clear blue eyes and she's gives him a slight smile.

Jesse's heart rate speeds at the simple look and he returns the smile, before it slowly fades to a frown as he remembers what happened last night. Jesse licks his lips as he pulls back from Rachel, allowing her to sit up.

"Hey," Rachel whispers.

"Hey."

The two sit in silence that boarder on the uncomfortable. Jesse looks around the room and his eyes settle on the desk.

"For me?" He asks nodding towards the plate of food.

"Yes, I thought that you could use something to eat." Rachel answers.

She pulls herself up from the bed and fetches the plate. She hands it to Jesse as she reclaims her seat on the bed. Jesse bites hungrily into the sandwich. He moans as the taste of peanut butter hits his tongue and the fact that someone has finally made something for him creates a pang of love in Jesse's chest.

"Thank you Rachel." Jesse says as he swallows the last bite. Rachel nods.

Rachel pauses before she speaks; she knows that what she's going to ask is going to be painful for both of them. But she has to know.

"Jesse," Rachel says and he turns to look at her, "why?"

Jesse doesn't need to ask 'why what?' he knows what Rachel is getting at, he looks down at his bed spread before looking up into Rachel's caring brown orbs.

"Because I'm not worth it. Because I'm never enough."

"You are worth it, you're more than enough."

"No I'm not Rachel. Even you said so yourself." Jesse says harshly.

"I didn't mean it Jesse, I was just speaking out of emotion." Rachel says vehemently, grasping onto Jesse's hand to strengthen her point.

Jesse's looks down at their hands and the small gesture bring tears to his eyes. He looks back up at Rachel and he finally feels home.

"Tell me Jesse. From the beginning."

"This time it started the I was made t return to Vocal Adrenalin. The day that I no longer had you to give me something good in my life, something more than just winning."

Jesse tells Rachel about the reasoning behind funkification, about why it had to happen and just how much of his heart was ripped out as he cracked the egg on her head. He tells Rachel about when he no longer had anything but the pain, how he used the pain to remind himself that he was alive. Jesse goes into the details of why he started to cut himself. His story isn't linear; it starts and stops as Jesse tries to fight back the tears. It goes through moments of Jesse's childhood, his memories of Jack, through his parents' disappointments, to his team's hatred culminating in the latest beating. All of which is interspersed with Jesse's own self-loathing and means of coping with the lack of feeling.

By the end of the of the story Jesse is once again wrapped in Rachel's arms as his tears drop onto her shirt, her own fall atop his hair.

"I'm sorry," Jesse whispers.

"Jesse none of that is your fault."

"No I'm sorry that I laid all this down on you Rachel. You shouldn't have to deal with all my problems."

Rachel doesn't respond only hugs him more tightly and drops kisses on his bicep, over the spot where his shirt hides his cuts. Jesse knows that it's her way of telling him that his protests at her staying involved in his life are going to go unheeded. Once again the two fall asleep tangled in each other, with Jesse felling lighter for having told his story and Rachel feeling relieved that Jesse will be able to heal.

* * *

**I want to say thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far... sorry i don't respond to the reviews, it doesn't mean I don't care, just that most of the time i'm at work when i get them and can't log onto to ff to respond.  
so here is the thank you for them :)  
So this story has 3 more chapters to go and then an epilogue I hope that you all enjoy what's to come.  
Review :) **


	7. Chapter 7

When Rachel wakes late Sunday she finds herself alone in Jesse's bed. She hears the water shut off in the bathroom, followed by a string of curses. Getting up from the bed Rachel makes her way to the door, lightly knocking on it. Jesse calls for her to come in and once again Rachel is met with the shocking sight of a shirtless Jesse, whose torso is mottled with bruises and cuts.

Rachel doesn't say anything just walks over to Jesse and takes the polysporin and bandages from his hands. In silence she smoothes over the cuts on his arms, changes the large bandage on his inner bicep, she brushes her fingers over the purple bruise on his ribs, and then she then gets Jesse to sit on the closed toilet. Using a damp cloth she cleans the cut on his forehead and cheek and gently inspects the bruise around his eye, the swelling having gone down considerably.

At the feeling of Rachel's warm palm on his face Jesse instinctively turns his head into the soft palm. He opens his eyes and Rachel gives him a soft smile.

"I'm going to make some coffee." Jesse says because he can't think of anything else to say that hasn't already been said or shown. "There's a towel and stuff for you on the bed."

Jesse brushes past Rachel and heads downstairs. Rachel returns back to the bedroom and sees a folded towel, toothbrush and set of fresh clothes. She smiles at the thought that Jesse put into making sure that she was comfortable, when he hasn't even been able to take care of himself. She picks up the pile and returns to the washroom.

Jesse pulls out two mugs and sets them by the coffee maker. He's pulling out the sugar when he hears Idina Menzel's voice blasting out of Rachel's phone. He ignores the ringing phone and goes about putting some sugar into his mug. Once again the phone plays 'Defying Gravity' and this time Jesse opens the phone after checking the caller id.

"Hello."

"Hi. Jesse? Its Finn, how are you?"

"Rachel's in the shower." Jesse answers ignoring the question, he wants to get off the phone with Finn, he doesn't want to talk with the guy who currently holds Rachel's affection.

"Oh, ok." Finn says. "Just have her call me when she's done."

"I will." Jesse responds and just before he hangs up he realizes that he should thank Finn.

Jesse knows that Finn probably would have loved to beat him even more, but instead he helped Jesse and for that Jesse knows he should thank the younger boy.

"Hey Finn, thanks. For Friday, for helping."

"No problem. But to be honest with you if Rachel hadn't stopped me and I didn't know that you were already messed up I would have kicked the shit out of you." Finn replies, tell Jesse honestly what he had almost done.

"Thanks for not doing that."

"Sure. Listen Jesse," and then without thinking Finn blurts out, "she's not my girlfriend."

"What?" Jesse asks, making sure he heard correctly.

"Rachel, we aren't together." Finn says. He hadn't been planning on saying that, but he thinks that maybe if Jesse knows this fact it will help him. "Yeah we both realized that we work better as friends and I don't think Rach was over her first love."

"Oh," Jesse doesn't know what to say.

"Yeah, just thought that you should know." Finn says.

Jesse doesn't respond to this, but he turns when he hears Rachel clear her throat behind him. He looks like a dear caught in the headlights, getting caught talking on her phone. He opens his mouth and quickly closes it.

"Uh, Finn… Rachel's here I'll put her on." Jesse says. "Thanks again man."

"Yeah."

Jesse pulls the phone away from his ear and walks over to Rachel. He hands her the bedazzled phone and gives her an apologetic smile before walking out of the kitchen to give Rachel some privacy. Rachel watches Jesse walk out with his coffee before greeting Finn.

"Hello Finn."

"Hi Rachel. How is everything?" Finn asks, hoping that Rachel being with Jesse hasn't been too rough for her.

"Better than they were on Friday night. It's been hard but last night something changed and I think that things are going to be ok." Rachel tells Finn.

She's not going to tell Finn about what Jesse told her and what she saw, but she needs him to know that things are ok.

"That's good and from the short conversation I had with him Jesse seems ok."

"He will be." Rachel replies, "That's why I am going to stay here today and maybe tomorrow, make sure that he's fine and that the beating hasn't left any permanent damage."

"Ok. What should I tell the club in case they ask where you are? I mean I know that there isn't an official practice since we aren't going to Nationals, but I have a feeling everyone is going to show up and they will notice that you aren't around giving a speech on prepping for next year's sectionals."

"Please don't tell them about Jesse. Let them know that I had some personal things to attend to and that my duties as co-captain of glee will not suffer because I miss one practice and that everyone should remain diligent and on task even when I am not around to motivate them."

"Uh… I'm just going to tell them that you had some appointments and that we should still practice."

"Fine. Thanks for calling and checking up on me Finn and thanks for not saying anything rude to Jesse."

"No problem Rachel. Let Jesse know I say bye."

"I will, bye Finn."

Rachel hangs up the phone and proceeds to pour herself a cup of coffee before going off to find Jesse. She finds him sitting on the floor of his bedroom with a couple of stacks of photos and a few photo albums in front of him. She doesn't say anything as she sits next to him, but leans over to look at the photo in his hand.

It's an image of two smiling boys sitting a top to ATVs. Rachel can tell that it's Jesse and his brother. The boys are almost mirror images of each other, although Jack has dark hair, deep brown eyes and his face holds less of the childlike qualities that Jesse's does.

"The two of us almost gave my mother a heart attack this day." Jesse says breaking the silence. "Jack and I saw her lounging out in the sun and we pushed our ATVs next to her before revving the engines. We had never seen my mother jump that high." He finishes with a bitter chuckle.

"Whose idea was that?"

"Jack's. He was always coming up with ways to freak out my parents or at least mess with them and because he was older I always went along with them." Jesse says. "The thing is even when he got us into these situations and we knew that we were going to be in major trouble he would be able to talk our way out."

"It seems that you picked up his skill of speech, I mean you were able to talk yourself out of Coach Sylvester's bad side when she caught you coming out of her personal washroom."

The two of them laugh at the shared memory from Jesse's time at McKinley. Soon the laughter subsides and Jesse flips through a few more photos while Rachel glances over his shoulder. For some he offers a commentary on the day the photo was taken or why the photo was taken, others need no explanation.

Jesse is pulling out a new stack of photos when he knocks over another pile. Some of the top images scatter across the floor and Jesse moves to reorganize them, but Rachel stills his hand. The pictures are those of Jesse and Shelby. Most are from moments during Vocal Adrenalin practice – Rachel can see the group in the background of some shots – although there are a few that are just candid pictures of Jesse looking happy with the only woman he would consider his mother now.

Rachel picks up one and looks at the proud smiling face of her mother looking up at Jesse. The photographer caught the pair of them mid-action and Rachel concedes that the shot really tells a lot about both people in it. Jesse's happiness at being the centre of attention, the star and for all her faults the fact that Shelby does care about her kids and that she isn't cold-hearted and stern. She looks over at Jesse who smiles as he looks at pictures of him and Shelby and Rachel realizes that Shelby has been a great mother. Jesse looks out of the corner of his eye at Rachel taking in the pictures of him and Shelby. Shelby has been his mother and at some points the only good thing in his life, he knows that she has her faults but that she is basically a good person and looking over at the girl that he loved and lost he hopes that Rachel will forgive Shelby and one day get to know her as more than just a rival coach.

Rachel hands Jesse back the few photos in her hand and picks herself up off the floor and goes to sit on Jesse's bed. Jesse watches as she settles herself down on the unmade sheets, her brown eyes are curious and he's scarred of what she might ask in the light of day. In the darkness of the previous night he hadn't been afraid to share his pain, his anger, his fears, but now in daylight he's not sure of anything anymore.

"Tell me about my mom."

Is what comes out of Rachel's mouth and Jesse relaxes. He pulls himself onto the bed and holding a picture of Shelby that he had taken during a rehearsal he sat out when he lost his voice. He hands Rachel the picture of her mother standing on the stage with a look of concentration and Rachel sees the similarities in their features.

"She's the only other person in the world that I have cried in front of." Jesse says.

To anyone else this sentence would make no sense, but with this simple statement Jesse says almost all that he needs to about his relationship with Shelby.

"She may seem cold but underneath her drive is a woman who failed at her dreams, so she worked to make other's dreams come true." Jesse continues. "She gave me hope, power and has shaped my talent and without her I don't know where I would be right now."

Jesse reaches over and squeezes Rachel's hand, he knows that this conversation is going to be hard for her to hear, but he knows that she is strong enough to listen. After a smile from the girl on his bed Jesse goes into what he knows of Shelby Corcoran.

Slowly the hours pass and fade into night. When Rachel pulls herself from the bed to go sleep on the couch she is stopped by Jesse's hand on her wrist.

"Stay. I don't want to be alone if the nightmares come." Jesse knows that he shouldn't ask this, but he can help but feel safer when she is around.

Rachel looks at Jesse before sliding back under the covers. Jesse grasps her hand in his and holds it to his chest. Both are filled with confusing emotions, anger, guilt, love, fear, but in the stillness of the room they find that it is slowly fading away. They don't know where they stand with each other, but they will find a way to figure that out.

* * *

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and alerted you're awesome! So there is only two more chapters left of this story... but I have like four other St. Berry stories that I will be working on. I hope that you will all enjoy those too when i post them.**


	8. Chapter 8

Late Monday morning finds Rachel and Jesse sitting silently in his kitchen. Jesse hopes that Rachel won't leave even though he just yelled at her for helping him. He didn't mean to lose his temper; he just felt that Rachel shouldn't skip school on his account – no matter how badly he wanted her to stay.

Placing his coffee mug in the sink Jesse turns to Rachel,

"Sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to yell."

"It's fine."

"No it isn't. I know that you are just trying to help and I am so grateful for that, just I'm not worth ruining a perfect attendance record for."

Rachel walks around to Jesse and places her palm on his face, "Jesse you are worth more than that."

Jesse gives her a smile and leans into her warm hand. Opening his eyes he stares down at Rachel. Her mouth is slightly open and her eyes are full of concern. Rachel looks up at the boy who broke her heart, she takes in the small smile and the piercing eyes that for the first time since Friday night seem clear.

In the slight embrace Jesse leans down towards Rachel and her breath hitches in anticipation of a kiss. Thoughts that this could potentially be a bad thing have been banished from their minds, all there is, is them. Before they can close the gap a knock at the door jars them from their bubble and they break apart.

Jesse looks confused, he doesn't know of anyone who would show up at his home. His parents aren't around, his parents' friends know not to come around, and his uncle is on a business trip and the rest of his extended family live out of state. Rachel knows who is at the door and tells Jesse.

"It's Shelby." She says pulling her hand from his face. "I was scared yesterday and I didn't know who else to call. I hope – I mean I thought it would be ok."

Jesse reaches down and takes her hand, "It's fine Rachel, and I would have done the same thing."

Once again they hear a knock and Jesse pulls away from Rachel to answer the door. He pulls open the door to find Shelby, hair up in a ponytail and a resting baby in a carrier on the ground. Though she appears calm Jesse can see in her eyes the shock and worry over his appearance. Without a greeting Shelby pulls the boy into her arms and Jesse melts into the touch holding his mentor tightly.

"I'm sorry Jess. I'm sorry." Shelby whispers to the top of his head and Jesse tightens his grip.

The pair breaks apart when they hear the gurgling sounds of the baby. Shelby gives Jesse an apologetic smile and bends to pick up the carrier. Jesse steps back to let Shelby into the house. She makes her way to the kitchen where she stops when she sees Rachel washing the plates and mugs from their breakfast.

"Hello Shelby."

"Hi Rachel." Shelby says putting the carrier down on the island and pulling the baby out.

Rachel watches as her mother fusses over the baby in her arms and a sadness creeps over her. Jesse sees the change in Rachel and walks over to her, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. After all that she has done for him since Friday night it was the least he could do to repay her, it would be the first in a long line to make up for what he'd done. Rachel smiles up at Jesse and squeezes back in a silent thank you.

Before Shelby can notice the two teens holding hands Rachel slips hers out of Jesse's. Walking over to her mother Rachel looks at the tiny baby in a pale purple onesie.

"So this is Beth?" Rachel asks and Shelby nods. Rachel had been the only member of New Directions to have not seen Quinn and Puck's baby, and looking at her now she can pick up on the slight features of both of her friends.

"Yeah, I couldn't find a sitter and I thought it would be ok to bring her over to meet you, both of you." Shelby says before looking over to Jesse. "Rachel would you mind looking after her for a bit I need to talk with Jesse."

"Ok." Rachel answers warily, looking at the small bundle in Shelby's arms.

"Thanks," Shelby replies handing the baby over, "Jesse come with me."

Shelby walks out of the kitchen with Jesse right behind her. He turns back to look at Rachel holding her sort of sister and gives a soft smile before following after Shelby. He finds her sitting on the couch with her head in her hands. Jesse places himself next to Shelby and she looks up at him with tear filled eyes.

"I failed again Jess," Shelby whispers, "How am I going to be a mom to Beth when I couldn't be one to Rachel and I couldn't be one to you? I should have seen the signs; I should have known something was wrong. I should have been here."

"I wouldn't have let you seen them Shelby. I would have kept this to myself this time." Jesse says. "I was mad at you for leaving me and for a while I did blame you, but I realized that it wasn't your fault for going, you needed to leave. And me being me I took it as another abandonment, another person who didn't have time for me."

"But why so bad this time Jesse? Hurting yourself, why did it get so far?"

"Because I needed to feel something outside of what was going on inside. I needed to distract myself, to make sure that I was still alive, I felt guilty, there are more reasons for what happened and there was no one I could turn to." Shelby opens her mouth to respond, but Jesse cuts her off. "I know that I could have come to you, I could have made more of an effort to let you see what was going on but I was hurt that you had someone else to take care of and I didn't want to put the burden on you."

Shelby is speechless; she doesn't know how to tell Jesse that it wouldn't have been a burden without making him feel guilty. She knows that Jesse was trying to be selfless, but Shelby would have rather had to drop everything in her life to save Jesse than to have seen his selflessness kill him.

"Thank you." She says and reaches her hand up to Jesse's cheek.

Though she had been in the house for a while Shelby finally took in all of Jesse's visible injuries. Her hand traces over the bruise on his face and her eyes take in the cuts on his cheek.

"Tell me what's been happening Jesse." Shelby demands.

Jesse closes his eyes and recounts to his coach everything from the funkification of McKinley to being dropped at Rachel's door. He pours his feelings out to the only adult who ever took an interest in his life, who looked after him, encouraged him, and loved him. By the time he reaches the end of the story he is in tears and Shelby his cradling him like a child, running her hands over his back and calming him like a parent does their child. And really that is what they were to each other, mother and son, though unconventional there was no other way to describe it.

Slowly Jesse pulls away and Shelby places a kiss on his cheek and Jesse pulls her into another hug. When they break apart Shelby speaks.

"That's it. Monday I am going to that school and having all of those kids expelled or suspended."

"No." Jesse says.

"What? Why?"

"Because it doesn't matter. I've made my peace with the beating and if you go there I know it will only be worse for you and for me."

"But I have to do something about this."

"You don't Shelby. I'm eighteen I can get myself transferred out of the school, I can quit Vocal Adrenalin, I can get away."

"You're not going anywhere St. James. I'm moving in here with you to help."

"No."

"Fine then you are moving in with me." Shelby says in a tone that Jesse knows he can't argue with and he finds that he doesn't want to.

In fact that idea of moving in with Shelby and Beth fill him with a calm he hasn't felt since before regionals. He knows that part of it has to do with getting out of the hollow museum of his parents house, as well as the idea that he may be able to be closer to Rachel with the move.

"Ok, I think that will work."

"There are going to be rules though if you move in with me Jesse." Shelby says and Jesse nods, "One of those is that you are going to find a counsellor or someone other than Rachel or myself to talk with, to help you. You are going to hate it, I know, but you have to do this so that we don't lose you."

Jesse nods again, already dreading the idea but willing to sacrifice his defences to stay with his surrogate mother.

"Good, we'll get some of your stuff moved out tomorrow and you are going to get you transferred out of Carmel and into another school. McKinley if you want since I live in the district."

"Thanks Shelby. This is a lot more than I hoped for and means more to me than I can express. Maybe one day I'll find the right song to tell you how much you have meant to me." He doesn't respond about going to McKinley. He thinks about Rachel in the kitchen and decides on a rule for Shelby.

"If I am staying with you, you're going to have to do something for me." Shelby nods for Jesse to continue. "You have to make a big effort with Rachel. She needs you, more than you know and I know you need her too. So if I am going to be staying with you at least once a week you are going to talk or spend time with the daughter that wants a mother no matter how grown up she seems."

"Deal."

Shelby smiles at Jesse, seeing some of the bright star breaking through the pain and dullness that has inhabited him. She knows it will be a long process getting him back to where he was, but she knows that he is willing to try and she is going to help him. And this demand of her to spend time with Rachel is a step back towards the Jesse that knows how to get what he wants.

A gurgling Beth and Rachel interrupt the pair. Jesse looks up at Rachel holding the infant and he smiles. It's the first genuine smile Rachel has seen from him since the last night she spent with him before he betrayed her. She can't help but smile back.

"Sorry to bother you but I think Beth is a little hungry." Rachel says and immediately Shelby jumps up from the couch and heads back into the kitchen, leaving the two teens alone.

Rachel still holding Beth looks over at Jesse. She can see that his eyes are red rimmed and she knows that he once again poured his heart out. She shifts Beth in her arms and makes her way over to sit next to Jesse.

"So have you let her hear your amazing voice yet?" Jesse asks as he looks down at Beth.

"No, I just sort of held her and talked to her." Rachel said, "Do you want to hold her?"

Jesse shrugs in response and Rachel slowly moves Beth into his arms. Jesse stares down at the baby in his arms and thinks that she is going to grow up thinking that he is her big brother. In that moment Jesse knows that he has to be as amazing a brother that Jack was. He looks over at Rachel who is watching him and gives her a smile; he knows that he has things in his life that he doesn't want to miss.

He's about to tell Rachel how sorry he is, how he still loves her when Shelby comes back into the room with a warm bottle. She hands it to Jesse who holds to Beth's lips. The three sit in silence as Beth eats. There is nothing to say.

When Beth finishes Jesse does the one natural thing for him. He sings the little girl back to sleep. What starts off as a whisper gets louder and soon Rachel and Shelby make out the lyrics to _Here Comes the Sun_. Both women have tears in their eyes listening to Jesse; Beth just closes hers and drifts off to sleep. Jesse hands Beth back to Shelby and goes to get her bags and baby carrier from the kitchen. He walks with her out to the car, Rachel watches from the door.

"I'll get stuff packed up tonight and tomorrow, and I'll go to the school and get transferred out." Jesse says.

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow night Jesse." Shelby says giving him a hug and getting into her car.

Jesse turns back to the house. He sees Rachel watching and he steels his resolve for the conversation that will inevitably hurt, but has to be had.


	9. Chapter 9

"How are you?" Jesse asks, taking Rachel by surprise. When he walks through the front door.

"Fine why?"

"Well this whole Shelby thing. I mean seeing your mother being a mom to a baby and even to me, acting like how a mother should act. I'm sorry if it's hard for you."

Rachel is speechless, even in a time when Jesse has the right to be selfish and wouldn't be blamed for holding a large part of Shelby's attention, he is concerned with how she is dealing with all of it. If he weren't all bruised Rachel would have smacked him for worrying about her, when he needed to worry about himself.

"I'm fine, it's fine." Rachel says with a smile, before turning and heading back towards the kitchen.

Jesse touches Rachel's arms and she looks at him, he can see the truth in her eyes but he needs her to vocalize it, "The truth Rachel."

"The truth is, that it does hurt, but right now I am willing to put that aside and let her focus on being a mom to Beth and to you."

"Thank you Rachel. But I think you are going to find that she'll be trying to be a mom to you too soon."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm moving in with Shelby. I can't stay in this house with the memories and emptiness that fills it. And by-" Jesse is cut off by Rachel.

"Oh, that's great Jesse. Staying with Shelby will be good for you." Rachel says but she can't keep the sadness from her voice. "Umm I have to go to the bathroom."

Rachel takes off upstairs, hiding from Jesse the tears over learning that once again her mother is picking someone else and not her. Rachel knows that both of her Dads love her and she really doesn't need another parent, she knows that she is missing the things that a daughter can only get from her mother.

Jesse gives Rachel a few moments before following her upstairs. He could see the slight tears in her eyes as she turned away and he knows that he has to make it right. He stops outside his bedroom door and knocks.

"Rachel I'm coming in."

He finds her sitting on his bed her legs pulled up to her chest and he can see the tears in her eyes. He sits down next to her and gently places his hand on her back.

"I'm sorry that this is hurting you Rachel. I know what it's like to feel unwanted, but I know that you and Shelby will start to work things out."

"How do you know she even wants to?"

"I made her promise to make an effort to try and be your mom. I told her that if I am staying with her I want her to try with you seeing as I hope that you will be around." Jesse says. "I know that I need to start fresh and I hope that you can be part of that, if you want to be. You helped me these past few days when you had no reason to, I haven't even apologized and you still stayed."

"Jesse you don't –"

Jesse takes Rachel's hand in his and entwines his fingers with hers.

"Yes I do. I'm sorry Rachel. I'm sorry for lying to you about not being with you for ulterior motives, for pushing you into things that you weren't ready for, for lying, for breaking your heart, for the eggs, for winning. For all that I am sorry. I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I hope that one day you will forgive me. Because I need you in my life Rachel, more than anyone else I have ever known. Even if it's just as friends I need you to be around because you make me a better person, a whole person, a happier person. Rachel I love you, I'm in love with you."

Rachel wraps her arms around Jesse and buries her face in his neck. She squeezes him tightly, never in her life has anyone told her that they needed her. Sure the glee club needs her but never has anyone ever needed her for more than just a leader and a strong voice. And never has anyone been in love with her or told her in such a beautiful way.

Rachel breathes in the scent of Jesse and she knows that she is in love with him too. She still feels the sting and pain of his betrayal, but overpowering that is her love for the boy who is like her and gets her in ways no one else does. She places a soft kiss against his neck and pulls away to look in his clear blue eyes.

"I'm in love with you too."

Jesse smiles and rests his forehead against hers, content to be breathing the same air. It's Rachel who tilts her head to capture his lips in a chaste kiss, one that both of them smile into, before pulling away.

"This isn't going to be easy Rachel. I'm messed up right now, I am going to be getting help, but just so you know I'm not always going to be the loving or happy guy that you knew. But I'm going to try and get there."

"I know and it's a good thing that I am determined and strong willed because I am not going to let you do this on your own. I'm going to help you." Rachel squeezes Jesse's hand before standing, "starting with helping you pack up some of your room today, that way you'll have something to take to Shelby's. We'll come do the rest next weekend."

Jesse just gives Rachel a smile and stands to get his suitcases and duffle bags out of the closet.

* * *

Evening is falling as Jesse zips up his bag filled with toiletries. He and Rachel has spent the afternoon packing up all his clothes and anything that he would need for the rest of the week. Everything else that he had would be picked up and moved into Shelby's next weekend. They would have been done a lot earlier but had to stop to change Jesse's bandages and worked a lot slower because of some of the pain he had been feeling.

Finally tossing the bag by the door Jesse drops down onto his bed where Rachel has been sitting cross-legged.

"Jesse what are you going to do about school tomorrow?" Rachel asks and Jesse realizes that he didn't tell her about transferring and potentially going to McKinley.

"I'm going to get my transfer papers. Being eighteen I can transfer myself out this time."

"Ok, where are you going to go to school then?"

"Well I don't know. Shelby lives in Lima now and she said if I wanted I could go to McKinley, but I'm not sure I would be welcomed there." Jesse says, he knows the rest of the school won't care but the people that Rachel spends time with would.

"I'd welcome you and I'm sure that Finn would as well. If we can then I'm sure slowly they would all come around." Rachel says hoping that Jesse will say yes so that she can keep an eye on him.

"I'll think about it Rachel." Jesse says grabbing her hand, knowing that by the end of the week he will be enrolled back at McKinley.

Jesse looks at the clock and sees that it is just past 6:30; he knows that Rachel has a two-hour drive back to Lima but he doesn't want her to go.

"Rachel I know that you have a long drive ahead of you but would you be willing to stay one more night?"

"Yes, I'll just get to school late tomorrow." Rachel says. She looks over at Jesse and bites her lip; she hopes that what she says next won't set him back. "Jesse I love you and you apologized and I forgive you but I do have something to say that has been nagging me since earlier."

Jesse turns to look into Rachel's eyes and he sees shame for what she is about to say. He takes her hand and encourages her to continue with what she needs to tell him. No matter how painful he needs to hear the truth from her, the only other person who has ever been bluntly honest with him.

"What you did to me hurt. You made me believe in love and then you took it away. I'm not going to tell you that I am completely over the sting of rejection and that I fully trust you now, but I will be. I have to be honest there is a part of me that wants to get back at you for doing what you did, but I can't bring myself too. I told you when we first met that you playing me would kill me emotionally, after this weekend I realize that though what you did was painful I would have been able to live with the pain because I would channel it into my dreams and would get back at you by becoming a bigger star. What would kill me emotionally would be if you were to kill yourself, I wouldn't be able to handle that."

"I promise Rachel I won't leave you again." Jesse says bringing his hand up to cup her cheek.

"This is going to be hard, we are going to fight and we are going to find reasons to not be together, but I need you to know that I will always be there. But if you try to hurt yourself again I will walk away Jesse, I won't be able to go through the pain of watching that. So if you ever feel like that you have to talk to me, to Shelby, to someone so that the world doesn't lose a shining star."

Jesse has no words to respond to Rachel so instead he crushes his lips against hers. In his kiss he makes promises not to fall back into this person. He knows that it is going to be struggle but with Rachel by his side he will get better.

Pulling back from the kiss Jesse gives Rachel a smile; "Sorry I just didn't know what to say."

Rachel smiles and Jesse knows that the kiss wasn't unwanted.

"So how about some dinner than a movie before bed?" Jesse asks.

"Sounds perfect."

Rachel pulls herself from the bed and she and Jesse make their way down to the kitchen, both lighter and happier than they have been in a while.

* * *

**So there is the epilogue to go after this chapter! I am so happy for all the reviews and alerts (both story and author) they mean a lot to me. I was so happy that this story was embraced in the way that it was.  
I have a few more St. Berry stories (one-shots and multi-chapters) that I have been working on... i hope that when I post them you will all enjoy them.  
****Loves **


	10. Epilogue

**So this is the END! I am so thankful for all the reviews, alerts, favourites. You guys make writing stories a lot of fun. I hope that everyone has enjoyed this. I found this to be one of the harder stories that I have written. I know I also had long breaks in between updates but i had a bit of writers block and school seems to cut into my writing time.  
I have a ton of new St. Berry ideas and I hope that I will be able to get them all out because this is the longest time that a muse has stuck around for me... or well for a pairing that I ship.  
****So THANKS! - T

* * *

**

It has been a year since Jesse was dropped at Rachel's house beaten and broken. He and Rachel are sitting in the choir room waiting for glee club to start, he reaches over and grasps Rachel's hand and she leans against his shoulder. It has been a long journey getting to this point.

* * *

_Rachel gently knocks on Jesse's door before pushing it open. She finds him lying on his bed with Beth perched on his chest, both napping. Rachel smiles at the image and snaps a picture with her cell phone to show Shelby. She quietly sits down on the bed next to Jesse and whispers his name. He opens his eyes and smiles._

"_Hey how was your day?" He asks._

"_Good. I let Mr. Schuester know that you will be coming tomorrow. Finn knows you're going to be there too. Both are looking forward to that." Rachel answers, "How was your day?"_

"_Fine. I finally finished unpacking and I found a counsellor to go and talk with."_

"_That's good."_

"_I want you to come with me to my first meeting. You don't have to come in, but just knowing that you are waiting would be a great help."_

"_I'll be there."_

"_Thanks. I also learned today that Beth here loves the sound of my voice."_

"_Well then I guess we know who is going to be doing all the babysitting."_

_Jesse shoots Rachel a dirty look._

"_Rachel I'm nervous about tomorrow. I know I have said I never get nervous, but this is daunting and I can't help but feel that this is all going to be another let down."_

_Rachel intertwines her hand with Jesse's and gives it a squeeze._

"_It will all be fine. You are Jesse St. James and you can do this. And I will be there all day, especially if you need a hand to hold."

* * *

_

_Jesse's first day had been hard, but Rachel made sure he made it through the day. Like before the jocks left him alone because he was a senior, it also might have had to do with the cuts on his face making him look like he just came out of a fight club and lived. Glee was another story. When he walked in holding hands with Rachel everyone froze. They couldn't believe who was standing there and then they couldn't believe what he looked like. Immediately everyone's faces turned to stone, with looks of loathing pouring from their eyes._

_Jesse squeezes Rachel's hand tightly and she squeezes back. It's Finn who gets everything rolling when he walks in behind the frozen pair and nudges Jesse with his shoulder._

"_Hey man glad you made it through your first day. It's also a good thing you are joining glee today I'm feeling a little sick and I think my voice could use a little break."_

_Jesse doesn't say anything just nods his head while looking at the confused faces of the New Directions members. Instead of going immediately to sit down in the empty chairs next to Finn the pair of them stand in front of the group, Jesse has prepared what he was going to say and he knows that this is the only time to do it._

"_I know that you don't trust me. I wouldn't trust me either, not after the betrayal that I committed. I would like to ask your forgiveness though. I have already gotten it from Rachel and Finn and for that I am completely grateful. I know that you have questions about why I am here again and why I look like I do. Let me just say that Vocal Adrenaline is more terrifying than what we showed you and what we did to Rachel. They are violent and they are not afraid to use violence to make their point known._

"_They took me last Friday and they beat me and left me on Rachel's doorstep. They thought they were teaching me a lesson. What they were doing was just cementing their loss at Nationals. On Tuesday I withdrew from Carmel and enrolled here at McKinley, this time for good. I know last time I stood in front of you and told you can learn from me, well that point still stands but what you don't know is that you have much more to teach me, mostly about heart and love." Jesse says this and looks down at Rachel, who strokes his arm. "I know it will take some time but I hope that you know that I am not here to hurt you."_

"_Thank you Jesse." Mr. Schuester says, coming to stand at the front of the class._

_Rachel and Jesse take their seats and it is like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders.

* * *

_

_Slowly the glee club warmed up to Jesse, led by both Rachel and Finn. Jesse found in the group of misfit kids a safe haven. He found himself opening up to them, especially with Tina who knew what it was like to hate yourself so badly that you would want to end it all. _

_Jesse's senior status also protected any glee club members he happened to be walking with in the halls._

_That was the easy part of enrolling in McKinley and starting over after the pain he put himself through. The hard part of starting over was going to his counselling sessions. Jesse found it hard to open up to a complete stranger, but he found that once he began to talk he didn't want to stop. Some days after the counselling sessions were good; he would come out feeling refreshed and open. He would play with Beth, chatter and sing with Rachel, even help Shelby out with the cooking. It was the bad days that brought Jesse to the brink again. Those days he would enter the house silently, stalk up to his room and stare at pictures of Jack. He wouldn't move until Rachel would come and lay down behind him, with her there things would once again start to look up._

_Rachel saw all this and saw Jesse getting better. She was fiercely protective of him, she was happy when he was and broken hearted when Jesse closed himself off. Rachel knew that this was true love.

* * *

_

"_Jesse you have to respond to them." Shelby tells Jesse as he holds Beth in his lap._

"_Why Shelby? I mean if I don't show up they will know that I am not coming."_

"_Jesse you can't let this scholarship just go to waste, you have to talk with them." Shelby says dropping down on to the coffee table. "You worked to hard for this. I know that this is going to sound rude but you won't get another scholarship by being part of McKinley."_

"_I know that, but I can't admit to that group that I am a failure, that I'm not the star material that they picked." Jesse says looking down._

"_Jesse you don't have to tell them that. Just let them know that you aren't going to be going to school next year, tell them that you are going to be deferring and that you will be there in the following September."_

"_I don't think I want to go to UCLA any more Shelby." Jesse admits._

"_What?"_

"_I don't think that UCLA is going to be the right fit for me. Yeah I know I always wanted the sun and the glitz of Hollywood, but I'm thinking that I am now more suited to the grit, the anonymity and the boards of New York." Jesse says and Shelby lets out a chuckle._

"_Finally." She says and Jesse gives her a confused look. "I always wanted you to go there, I never thought that LA was the right fit for you. You have talked about this with Rachel right?"_

"_Yeah she knows and I told her I would be waiting there for her when she graduates."_

_Shelby smiles at the comment. She knows just how much her star loves her daughter. And she knows that when Jesse makes a promise to wait for her, Shelby knows that he will.

* * *

_

_The summer brings Rachel and Shelby closer together and their new relationship has helped Jesse remember what it is like to be part of a family. The four of them spend Sundays together watching musicals and playing with Beth._

_Rachel and Jesse also spend a lot of time with members of the glee club. Puck and Quinn have both gone to see Beth and both have seen that their decision to give up their daughter was for the best. Finn comes over to use Shelby's pool and to play video games with Jesse. The two of them have become "bros", as Finn says. He has shown Jesse what it's like to have a guy to talk to and do guy things with and Jesse taught Finn how to be more mature with girls and how to improve his singing. They got so close that Finn and Jesse have even gone to see baseball games with Burt. Rachel is happy that Jesse has finally found people with whom he doesn't always have to be the leader, he can be just Jesse._

_Jesse also takes a trip with Rachel and the club to NYC. They go for a week. Seeing all the sights, catching a few Broadway shows and even putting on a small impromptu performance in Central Park. The trip further cements the place that Rachel and Jesse want to be when they get out of Ohio. _

_Summer also sees Rachel and Jesse take more steps together in their relationship. Rachel has gone to counselling sessions with Jesse and with only truth between them they have become closer than either thought was possible with another person. They don't have sex that summer, but they do get intimate. Showing that they love each other in both words and actions. Jesse is the one who doesn't feel that the timing is right for them to take that final step.

* * *

_

_School starts up again and once again no one in New Directions is popular. Jesse is still left alone because of his senior status and Rachel as his girlfriend is protected as well. Some of the other members don't fare as well, but the whole team is there to stand up for them._

_A new male member joins the group throwing off the number of pairings, it is quickly remedied when a new girl joins as well. Neither of these singers are a threat to Rachel's lead role and Jesse has come to accept that he is going to be sharing the spotlight with Finn._

_Sectionals come and once again nerves are high. New Directions though wins the competition. However after their win New Directions goes back to work for the upcoming regionals competition, the one that would once again decide the fate of the group. _

_Christmas brings Jesse's parents home. For Rachel and Shelby it brings a heightened sense to what Jesse is feeling. Neither want to see his parents cause him to have a setback or relapse into a world of hate. However the confrontation that Jesse has with his parents shows to the two most important people in his life that he is strong enough to finally let go of the guilt his parents have laid on him. His parents for their part are slightly taken aback by their son, though they don't make any attempt to want to get to know him. They give him access to his trust fund – which has quite a sizeable sum as Jack, left all he had to Jesse, as well his grandparents still making deposits into the account. When his parents finally depart for another exotic location Rachel and Shelby feel a weight has been lifted and Jesse jokes that they were more on edge than even he was._

_After the holidays rehearsals for Regionals comes on full force. During this time Jesse shows his strength as a leader. He keeps the group focused, calm and yet he has found a way to make sure that the fun isn't lost. He knows this is a new aspect to the role that he had as part of Vocal Adrenaline, but it is the part that he likes the most. Instead of feeling slighted, the whole club is grateful for Jesse's calm leadership. They use his extensive knowledge to come up with a great number for regionals. Rachel and Shelby – who has come by to watch the final run throughs – are both proud of Jesse and how he has once again found that piece of him that made him a star._

_Regionals come and this time there is no question that New Directions wins. Watching Rachel hoist the trophy above her head causes Jesse's heart to fill with love. That night after coming down from the excitement of winning Rachel and Jesse finally sleep together. That night Jesse gives Rachel a promise ring and Rachel gives herself to Jesse. It is epic as Jesse had promised more than a year ago. For both of them it is a new and wonderful experience and when it is over they lay entwined listening to their slowing heartbeats and softly touching their cooling skin.

* * *

_

Jesse pecks the top of Rachel's head. Since sleeping together Jesse has become more publically affectionate and in their privacy both of them were insatiable.

"Where is everyone, we have to get started on the final number for Nationals." Jesse says checking his watch and noticing that everyone is late.

"They'll be here don't worry." Rachel says, before pulling Jesse in to peck his lips.

At that moment she signals to the door and slowly the group file in. Jesse turns and sees his friends standing – or sitting in the case of Artie – behind a cake. Everyone lets out a cheer of "Surprise!" and Jesse lets out a laugh of shock, before leaping up out of his seat and racing over to the group to pull some of them into a group hug.

"Umm this is a great surprise guys, but I am not sure what this surprise is for. I am very happy about it though." Jesse says.

"It's just to say thank you for this year." Rachel says going to stand in front of Jesse. "It is a year to the day that you re-joined New Directions. We wanted to show to you just how much you mean to all of us and just how much you helped us this year and how because of you we won regionals and are going to own at this years Nationals."

Jesse pulls Rachel into a hug before turning to face the rest of the team, Rachel held securely at his side.

"I really should have done this for all of you. Spending this year with all of you has helped me. Helped me more than you can know. All of you have become a family for me. I have found with all of you that thing that I lost when my brother died and for that I will always be grateful." Jesse takes in a deep breath to keep from choking on tears before continuing. "So even though I am going to be leaving you in the fall to go to New York I am going to be taking all of what you have taught me with me and when I have my first performance all of you better be there."

"Only if you let us all crash in your dorm room." Puck says.

"Of course, but again thank you for everything. I love all of you." Jesse finishes and immediately is pulled into a group hug.

"Ok well let's get this cake cut." Finn says and slowly grabs the knife out of Brittany's hand.

The group goes to work and Jesse pulls Rachel out into the hallway. He doesn't say anything but rests his forehead against her own. He never knew that he could feel this happy, but since that night Rachel has taught him how to love himself and how to share his love with others. She has made him a better person, a whole person. He knows that he is still going to have times where he thinks that he won't be worth anything, but he knows that Rachel will be there to help him get through it. He also knows that he will do the same for Rachel, because no matter how strong she is Jesse knows that she has her moments of weakness.

"Thank you," Jesse whispers.

Rachel doesn't respond, just presses her lips against his.

"I love you Rachel Berry." Jesse whispers, before leaning in once more to kiss her lips.


End file.
